Little Red Riding Ed
by NekoTaku24433
Summary: *part one of an FMA fairy tale series* Things get crazy when Edward is sent to bring stew to Granny Pinako's house! Featuring Envy as the Big, Bad Wolf :D


**Okay, so I've had this in the works for quite some time. Not quite sure what took me so damn long to finish it XD Its just a silly, cute little piece. I plan on making a series of fantasy/fairy tale AU oneshots for FMA, with Edward as our dear "heroine" XD NO not gender bender! I'd love input, and please tell me if there are mistakes/typos. Thank you! Read, review, enjoy! **

* * *

**Little Red** **Riding Ed**

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Edward who had a red cloak that he loved. His favorite teacher, Izumi, had given it to him when he graduated school, and he wore it everywhere. One day, his mother told him to bring some food to his grandmother's, and on the way, someone else—or more like some_thing_ else—took a liking to this red cloak_ as well…_

* * *

"Big brother, can you please pass me the milk?" Alphonse Elric, Edward's younger brother, looked at his older sibling with innocent golden eyes, stubby fingers grasping for a glass just out of reach. Ed stiffened with terror, and his face suffused with horror and disgust. The older blonde stood abruptly, shaking his head with vehemence.

"NO! There is _no _**way** that I am _touching_ that stuff! I mean, what is WRONG with you?!" Ed spat out, gold eyes wide. "How can you _drink_ that stuff? Just _thinking _about ingesting that opaque white liquid is revolting! Do you know where that stuff comes from? COWS! Yeah, that's right! That stuff is _secreted _by _cows! How can-oww, Mom!_ Ed turned to glare at Trisha, who held a wooden spoon threateningly in one hand. She gazed sternly at him with hazel eyes.

"Edward, what did I say about Talking to your brother that way? Apologize now, and pass him the milk." Ed glared defiantly at his mother, but his amber eyes dropped from her stern gaze first.

Ed reached across his plate, gingerly grabbing the milk bottle. He held it away from his body, and a small amount sloshed out onto the table. Shivering in repulsion, Ed held the bottle out to his little brother without meeting his eyes. "Sorry for not passing the dumb milk...I guess..." he muttered as Al grabbed at it with chubby fingers. Without looking up, he dug into his stew. The little boy practically inhaled it, gulping down the rich, hearty broth. His mother sighed, tussling Edward's golden hair. Those two ate her stew as if she never fed them.

"You know, I think your grandmother is sick with the flu." She said, changing the subject and kindly letting Ed off the hook. Alphonse nodded eagerly, swallowing down a thick chunk of meat. "When you have the flu, it's important that you get lots of fluids."

Ed glanced up, confused. "I knew you needed fluids, but why?"

Trisha turned to her eldest son. "You see, people don't die from the flu; they die from the symptoms. Dehydration and fever, it's important to keep these things in check." Ed nodded in understanding as he stirred the thick broth. "Since she doesn't feel well, I doubt that she wants to make her own food. When you finish up, I'll send you with food to last her the week." The blonde gave a grumble, sinking down in his seat. Secretly though, he was looking forward to visiting his 'grandmother'; the two got along very well and he liked to talk with her.

Polishing off the rest of his bowl in a flash, he gave a luxurious stretch. "Well, I'll go get the basket." He bolted out of the room before his mother could get in a reply, and she gave a wry chuckle. That boy, so much like his father; despite being so eager to act all tough and strong, the two were really children at heart.

* * *

Trisha handed her son the basket, which was filled with containers of stew, warm biscuits wrapped in cloth, lots of sandwiches, and a quarter of a chocolate cake. Ed peered in, his eyes instantly locking onto the moist, chocolate cake. His mother gave him a light smack upside the head. "Now, don't you go snacking on the way there. When you come home, I'll give you a slice of cake." Ed glared enviously at his brother, who was happily stuffing his face with cake. He gave a begrudging sigh, pulling the red hood over his golden hair. "Stick to the path, Edward. I don't want you wandering off into the woods or spending time in that town."

Ed nodded, waving his mother away. "Yeah yeah, I got it. Love you Mom; I'll be back soon." He stepped out the door before his mother could nag him anymore, sprinting down the path. For a kid with such short legs, he could sure move fast.

Ed loved to walk by the forest. The way the sunlight splashed the rich, dark earth through the thick green canopy of leaves was beautiful, and it was never silent. The noises of the woods filled the air; a faint breeze stirring the leaves, the chattering of a chipmunk, and the gentle melody of the songbirds filled him with a sense of peace. The leaves scrunched underneath his heavy black boots, and Ed swung the basket carelessly back and forth. Granny Pinako's house was a ways off, but he didn't mind. While at home, he was always running around and chasing Al, pulling pranks, and being generally hyper. Here, he had the chance to calm down and clear his head.

To get to Granny's house, Ed had to go through Liore, a large town smack in the middle of the road between the two homes. The Elrics rarely ventured near it, though Ed had no idea why. While to his mother the town seemed to be the embodiment of all that is evil, to Ed the rowdy streets and bustling stalls were vibrant with life. Peddlers waved an array of colored cloths in his face while the aroma of rich food made his mouth water. One stand caught his eye in particular; perhaps it was the lack of bright colors, or the fact that no one seemed to be shopping there. Either way, the young blonde was drawn toward there like a moth to light. There didn't seem to be anyone manning the stand, though Ed didn't notice as he eyed the strange wares. They varied greatly from intricately decorated gloves to a strange suit of armor, and his golden eyes scoured the stand. A glint of silver caught his eye, and the boy pushed aside a strange Asian sword to reveal a pocket watch. Engraved on the cover was a strange dog-like creature in a hexagram, and when the boy tried to open it he found the lid was stuck. "I've been meaning to sell that for a while, but no one seemed interested."

Ed spun around to see who had interrupted his inspection only to come face-to-face with a strangely dressed man with the wildest hair he had ever seen—and that included when he tried to tame that wild cowlick of his in front of the mirror every day. It was a very dark green, almost black, and stuck out every which was possible. In addition, he wore a tight black tube top and a...skirt? "It's real silver you know," the man continued, oblivious to Ed's stares. "It's worth a fortune, but because the lid is stuck nobody wanted to buy it." He turned his strange violet gaze to Ed's golden one, and the boy repressed a shiver of apprehension. "Tell you what; if you really like it, I'll sell it to you for ten and three coppers." Ed's eyes lit up, and he hurriedly dug in his pocket for his birthday money. Passing over a single silver coin, he waited for the man to pass him his change. The strange man tossed him his change, and just as Ed caught it, he was knocked over by a young boy chasing after his father.

"What the hell?!" He snapped furiously, but the kid was already gone—and so was the man.

"Weird..." he muttered, tucking the watch in his pocket. He dusted off his cloak and grasped the wicker basket by the handle. Grimacing at the crowd that had formed without him noticing, he began to force his way through the hordes of people. Someone's elbow jerked out and Ed tripped forward, narrowly avoiding crushing the basket. He growled in annoyance and awkwardly stumbled to his feet, turning to confront the jerk. Instead, he noticed a flash of eerie blue light past the bustling crowd. Wriggling between the people, he forcefully trudges through to the front. Ed stumbled forward as he finally pushed through two older boys in the front who glared at him, and gasped.

In the center of the audience was a clear space roughly in the shape of a circle, and in the middle of that circle was a man. Well, to merely call him a _man_ seemed an injustice; there was simply so _much_ of him, a towering creature of sheer rippling _muscle_ that seemed to loom over the already height-impaired boy that he seemed scarcely human. He had a single curl of blond hair on his shining, smooth head, and a gargantuan mustache that dwarfed his entire face. The man didn't seem to mind the staring though; he positively _shone _in response-or more accurately, _glittered_. At the man's feet was a strange design, a swirling array of lines and shapes within a circle. And when the man pressed his hands to said circle, Ed realized what the blue glow had come from.

The earth seemed to twist and roll, churning like a turbulent sea as it conformed to his will. With a flash of light, Ed gasped to see a perfect likeness of the man-made of the cracked, dusty pathways. "THIS IS THE ALCHEMICAL PROWESS OF ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG, IN THE FLESH!" The man bellowed, nearly knocking Edward over. And with a flourishing bow, the large man seemed to melt into the crowd and vanish. For someone with such a large body mass, he certainly moved with dexterity.

Ed sat there blinking for a while, staring at the statue until he finally realized that the crowd had dispersed-and Granny's stew was cold. With a colorful swear, he leaped to his feet and bolted down the path to Pinako's house.

* * *

With Edward being Edward though, he of course took the _wrong_ path, and somehow ended up lost in the middle of nowhere. Standing at a crossroad that certainly wasn't there the last time he visited; he debated turning back to Liore and simply making his own "shortcut". It was a long ways away to Liore again though, and what would have normally been a brief trip had already taken up several hours. Needless to say, the reckless boy opted for the latter choice.

* * *

And an hour later, with the sun setting over the horizon, he was completely and utterly lost. Swearing profusely, he kicked at the nearest tree, only to have it shower needles and pine cones on his head. "Damn karma..." he muttered angrily. He had left just after lunch, yet it was nearing dinner time. Trisha would be frantic...Ed felt a flicker of fear at the thought of his mother's reaction, and a pang of guilt at the worry she must be feeling. Maybe if he hurried, he could get home before she started to freak out...With a renewed sense of determination, he stomped of into the undergrowth, clutching the basket as if it were a life line.

Honestly though, it wasn't the long trek that bothered him so much; he was ridiculously fit for his age. When you live on a little hill with your closest neighbor miles away, there isn't much else to do other than run around. No, it was the damn mosquitoes! He had bites on every inch of visible skin, and then some! The damn pests just _loooved _his bright cloak; it was like a freakin magnet. Might as well hold up a sign saying "Free Meal, Come and Eat!" That, and his cloak kept getting caught on branches and thorns. This part of the woods was wild and overgrown with brambles and weeds, which would cling to the red cloth like glue. The fact that he kept needing to stop to untangle himself was pissing him off!

As Ed stopped to untangle himself _yet_ _again,_ he heard a rustling in the undergrowth. Freezing, Ed moved into one of the many fighting stances Izumi had drilled into him. Golden eyes trained on the bushes, Edward felt as if time had crawled to a stop. For a moment, everything was still, when Ed saw a pair of violet eyes glaring at him from the bushes. The leaves rustled as one black paw came out, then another. Ed's eyes widened as slowly, a massive jet-black wolf padded forward, violet eyes never leaving Ed's own golden gaze. The wolf then _grinned_ at Edward, a ferocious display of flashing white teeth that seemed both toying and cruel. The creature sat down in front of him, still eye-level. It seemed more bear-like in size, with its sleek dark fur rippling with muscle. And then, most startling of all, it spoke.

"Hey there, beansprout!"

Ed gaped at the wolf, too startled to snap at the comment on his height. He felt a shiver of apprehension crawl up his spine, the soft golden hairs on the back on his neck standing on end. Those violet eyes seemed to pin him to where he stood, boring through his red cloak right down to his very soul. They took him in, analyzing and breaking him down, until he was seen as inconsequentially weak and tossing him aside. Edward could see that this beast thought nothing of him, dismissing him as weak yet entertaining, the way a cat would taunt a mouse before crushing it between its jaws. A low rumble startled Ed out of his reverie, and the black monster sprawled across the ground with a huff.

The wolf yawned, flaunting powerful canines, and tore into the soft earth with razor-sharp claws. "I've asked you a question, little shrimp, and you'd best be quick to answer. Because my stomach is cheering for an encore, and once a bite-sized snack like you loses its entertainment, well, I'm afraid that my jaws will have to answer for you. And I'm feeling mighty bored..." Ed felt a shudder of fear for a moment, only to be overwhelmed by a burning fury. He had been called sho...shor...below an average height by that _thing_ three times already!

Stomping forward, the livid blond swung his basket and smacked the wolf upside the head with a loud _crack!_ Yelping in shock, the creature reared up on its haunches and snarled, only to be met with a fierce golden gaze. "You bastard! Who're you calling a pea? A midget? A microscopic tick?! You flea-bitten, mangy animal! I'm gonna kick your ass!" He darted forward, startling the creature into falling over. Whatever the hell was in that basket was damn heavy, and the beast snarled as it smashed into his face again. His jaws snapped inches away from Edward's face, but the boy didn't even flinch. One boot kicked the wolf in the ribs, and in rage it reared up and threw the boy off. Ed suddenly saw the expression in its violet gaze, one of utter and pure malevolence. It was time to run.

Grabbing his basket, he turned and sprinted as fast as he could. He scrambled wildly through the undergrowth, thorns tearing at his cloak and skin. Ed could feel the wolf's hot breath on the back of his neck, could hear the thunder of its massive paws. Just as he expected to feel teeth sink into his throat, he tumbled down a hill onto the main road. Gasping for air, he struggled to his feet to face his opponent. Yet, when he turned, the road was empty.

Heart pounding and chest heaving, Edward slid to the ground. He felt the bile rise in the back of his throat as he realized those massive fangs could have easily torn him to shreds, yet when he remembered the insults, he was ignited by a spark of anger. Bastard-wolf.

The sun cast a sanguine glow across the horizon, the last dying rays of the day. Edward groaned a he climbed to his feet. He had no idea where he was; how would he make it to Pinako's now?!

Turning around, Ed moved to set down the road, only to fall back down again. Cursing furiously, he glared up at the perpetrator and blinked in surprise. A signpost—that was certainly convenient. Eyes skimming the road names quickly, he set off to his grandmother's house.

* * *

Knocking on the door, Ed tapped his foot impatiently. After a few more moments of waiting, he growled and pounded on the door harder. After walking all this way, the little hag didn't even welcome him inside? Stupid, nasty little—

Suddenly, the door swung open, and the blond jerked backwards in surprise. Granny Pinako smiled up at him, gesturing Edward inside. "Come in, come in! You must have been walking for ages, poor dear! How would you like a steaming mug of tea from your Granny?" Gaping, Ed mutely followed the little woman into the house, not even protesting when she poured a bit of cream into his cup. "How are you doing dearie? I've missed you lots!" Ed was in a state of shock—who on earth was this kindly old lady?! What had happened to all of the spitfire and passion in the woman?! Damn, she must really be sick! "Edward dearie, is something the matter?"

Ed shot her a concerned look. "Granny, are you alright?"

The old lady just giggled—giggled!—and waved him off. "I'm fine dearie, just fine!" She giggled again, easing into the chair next to him.

Ed frowned—something was wrong. Very, very wrong. But what? Studying the woman, he noticed that her hands seemed a fair bit larger than he remembered.

"Why the hell are your hands so freakin big?"

Pinako giggled again, but Ed noticed a sudden tenseness in her body. "Why, the better to cook for you with, my dear!" She suddenly stood up. "Speaking of which, would you like some pie? I baked it myself!" The old lady turned to get the food, and Ed caught sight of her ears.

"Why the hell are your ears so damned hairy?! It's nasty!"

Pinako stiffened as she stepped back into the room with the pie. "Don't be so rude to your poor grandmother, dearie! I'm just getting a bit older I'm afraid." She suddenly shoved a plate in front of him. "Eat up; I made it special for you!"

Ed felt his stomach rumble as he stared at the pie on his plate. Caving into temptation, he broke off a piece of buttery crust with his fork and scooped up some bright red cherries. The pie was amazing, tart and sweet, but he couldn't relax. Something seemed off, and the way Pinako was staring at him set his nerves on edge. Her tiny, beady violet eyes, boring into the side of his head….

Wait. Violet eyes?

Ed felt a shiver of fear crawl up his spine and set down his fork. "…Granny?"

"Yes dearie?" she asked, leaning forward over the table.

"….Where are your glasses?"

Granny Pinako's tiny eyes hardened. "Oh, I must have left them on my night table. Give me a moment dearie, and I'll be back." She stood up and turned to go, only to spin around rapidly. Body glowing an odd red, she seemed to fold over and morph into someone else—or some_thing_ else. She—no, he—no, _it_ lunged forward, snarling. Just as quickly, Edward took the pie tray and smashed it into the creature's face. Cursing, it wiped at its eyes as the crimson juices temporarily blinded it. "Damn brat! I'll kill you, shrimp!"

Ed felt that burst of rage bubble forth. "Who are you callin' shrimp?!" He shouted furiously, grabbing for a weapon. His hand closed around a knife on the table, still sticky with bits of pie crust clinging to the metal. Grasping the hilt with both hands, he charged at the beast. It swiped at him with long, curling claws, and he dove out of the way. Rolling between its legs and jumping to his feet, Ed nimbly spun around. He was too slow though, and one claw tore at his cloak, shallowly scratching his shoulder. Deep crimson seeped into the vibrant red cloth. Another cut marred his cheek. "Keep it up, freak! You're just making my face look cooler!" He slashed at the amorphous wolf and felt the blade sink into flesh. The beast howled with pain and fury.

"Brat, you'll pay for that!" It snarled, its voice a deep rumble that send shivers down Edward's spine. The blonde ducked to evade another swipe, only to have his feet knocked out from beneath him. His back slammed against the floor, and he gasped, the wind knocked out of him. He rolled to the side to avoid its next attack, and he cringed at the sight of deep gouges in the wooden floor.

However, as he was about to lunge forward again, a sudden burst of flames flooded the room. Edward yelled in shock, tripping backwards to avoid the searing heat. Across from him, the creature shrieked in pain as tongues of fire lapped at its fur and flesh. A raven haired man strode in, gleaming metal resting against his hips, and grinned. He pulled the trigger, and an explosion of flame roared through the house once more. The wolf creature collapsed to the ground, swathed in fire, until it was no more.

The man rested his flamethrower on the floor and turned to Edward. "Hey, are you alright?" He asked, crouching next to the blonde.

Ed coughed from the smoke, nodding. "Yeah, I'm okay."

"That's good. You had me worried there, miss." The man tossed his onyx hair to the side, flashing a smile at Edward. "We wouldn't want to hurt that pretty face of yours. My name is Roy, by the way. Roy Mustang."

Ed gaped at him, shock slowly morphing into disgust. He stood up, dusting off his clothes, before socking Roy full in the face. The older man fell backwards, clutching his jaw.

"Oww! What the hell was that for?!"

Ed glared at him in distaste. "I'm a boy, asshat!" He snapped, nose curling. The blonde shook his head, eyeing the destruction. Seared curtains and floorboards, blood and pie smeared across the floor, and the body of…well, whatever the hell it was. Damn, what would Pinako say?

Pinako! In the chaos, Edward had forgotten about his sickly grandmother, and anxiety now clawed at his heart. As the panic began to set in, however, he heard the click of the front door.

"What the hell happened to my house?!"

Rushing to the other room, Ed breathed a sigh of relief. Pinako stood there with his friend Winry, who was clutching a brown paper bag. "Granny, you're okay!" He grinned.

"Yeah I am, and if you don't explain what happened in the next few seconds, you won't be!"

Ed cringed a bit at that. "I came to bring you stew, and—wait, where were you?"

Winry piped up at that. "Granny and I went out to pick up some stew in town, since she was too tired to cook. We figured the fresh air and exercise would do some good." Her blue eyes then narrowed into a glare. "And then you came. What the hell did you do this time, Ed?"

All Edward could do was groan, face-palming. You bet your ass that it was the last time he walked over a meal. Damn ungrateful jerks.

* * *

**Well. That happened. Okay, so what do you think? I know that it's not the greatest. Take it as an apology for vanishing for the past 3 months. I always do this: vanish for months at a time, re-appear, update my stories, throw a few one-shots out to make up for vanishing, post another chapter each, then rinse and repeat XD Yeah, I suck, and I'm not afraid to admit it! Well, I hope that you guys enjoyed this. Review for another oneshot! :D Thankiessss, and bye! Neko, out~**


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